A Beginner's Guide To Mutual Masturbation

Often thought of as a solo act for the privacy of your bedroom, masturbation is an essential pillar in the journey of self-care - and also a powerful way of communicating your desires and connecting intimately with your partner/s. Far from a solitary session, giving yourself a hand during partnered sex can be a great form of foreplay or to mix things up. In fact, according to a study conducted by The University of Southampton, couples who engaged in mutual masturbation on a weekly basis scored higher in their sexual satisfaction and self-esteem. Newbie to mutual jacking/jilling off? If the thought of sharing something you usually do by yourself with your partner is quite daunting, or even a little embarrassing, we’ve created this handy guide to help you get off with each other… 

What is mutual masturbation? 

Mutual masturbation is when you pleasure yourself whilst your partner watches, or you both masturbate together. 

Why masturbate when you can just have sex? 

Great question! Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that masturbation should be off the table. In fact, masturbation can be a sexy means of getting your partner off in a lower-stakes way, and take the pressure off performance. Giving pleasure via penetrative sex can feel intimidating, or even like a chore sometimes, especially if you’re struggling with low libido. Mutual masturbation is a great way to focus on the experience: watching each other, appreciating your lusted after one’s body and how it responds to their touch (and storing mental tips for later!) and ultimately, increasing intimacy. Beyond this, we’ve heard from many of those in our community who are living with vaginismus or vulvodynia that it can be very painful and difficult to enjoy penetrative sex, whether with a penis or a sex toy. For some, engaging in mutual masturbation has become a pain-free way of maintaining and enjoying intimacy with their partner. 

How to ask your partner about the possibility of mutual masturbation 

First things first, you should discuss the possibility of mutual masturbation with your partner to let them know you’re interested. This is best done in a setting outside of the bedroom, when you’re not mid-hooking up so the pressure is off. It can be scary (or thrilling!) communicating your desires with your partner, especially if it’s something new and different. Our in-house sexpert’s top tips?

• Try to be open minded, compassionate and not go in all-guns-blazing if you and your partner usually masturbates alone. You could start by asking them about their own personal habits, slowly bringing up the conversation of possibly watching them whilst they do it - or highlighting why the experience of watching them masturbate/doing it together is something you’d like to share. This can be a great way of getting both of you in the mood and on an even footing, discussing how you’d like to do it. 
• You can even bring a show-and-tell aspect into it. If there's a porn video you’ve seen or an erotic audiobook that features mutual masturbation and you really enjoyed it, you could take the opportunity, with their consent, to show them and express your interest in recreating it. 
• You can also emphasise that this is a learning experience for both of you. Not just in terms of picking up tips, tricks or touches that your partner uses to get themselves going, but for them to do the same with you. The goal: even greater understanding of eachother’s pleasure points.
• If you and your partner already indulge in a little hand play during sex or foreplay, there might also be a natural point where you feel safe and comfortable to be upfront about your desires. E.g. you might ask ‘show me what you do when you think about me’. Remember, it’s important that their consent to taking part in any sexual activity is clear, affirmative and ongoing throughout.

Choose the right positions that work for both of you

Something that’s worked for the more self-conscious members of team HANX: instead of thinking of the act as masturbating for your partner, consider it as masturbating with your partner instead. You could start off lying next to each other in bed in a position you’d typically enjoy when masturbating alone. Once you get a little bit more comfortable, you may want to explore other positions which allow your partner to enjoy from an angle they might not usually get to appreciate. If watching on feels too much or too direct (hello, performance anxiety!), try blindfolding each other and listening to your partner masturbate as you touch yourself. 

You also might want to consider whether you’re going to use toys or not. Make sure you have this conversation with your partner beforehand and choose a toy that will enhance the experience for you both. For example, our clitoral suction toy Cindy is small, quiet but powerful - meaning it will enhance the fun but won’t get in the way (or intimidate those who are new to the world of bringing toys into partnered play).

Incorporate dirty talk 

You don’t have to go 1980s-porno-over-the-top with your dirty talk, but it can be encouraging for your partner if you say what’s on your mind at that moment. You can give your partner encouragement by telling them how good it feels to be watching them, how sexy they look or how much you’re turned on. We can’t overstate how audio apps like Dipsea and Ferly can be for inspiring non-cringe filthy chat, too! Try not to get into your head: the more you overthink dirty talk, the more awkward it becomes - the best advice we can give you when it comes to dirty talk is to keep it simple and don't over complicate it. 

Go forth and give each other a hand 

Mutual masturbation is a highly arousing and liberating experience that can bring a new level of intimacy to your relationship. From helping and allowing you to relax and enjoy watching your partner pleasure themselves, it can also help you become more comfortable with your own desires and needs. Trying something new in the bedroom (or wherever you like it!) can add a cheeky little boost of excitement to your sex life and be a fun new way for you and your partner to connect. Plus: mutual masturbation really is a helpful tool for teaching your partner how to pleasure you and ensuring good times are coming all round. We can’t think of a better bonding experience for a couple than engaging in a good ol’ wank… now go forth, and give each other a hand!

Want more? 

• Struggling with low-libido? Try our all-natural desire boosting supplement, Libido Lift.
• Interested in introducing a third party to the bedroom? Check out Cindy, our gynae-designed best selling suction toy. 
• Dealing with mismatched libidos in a relationship can be a struggle. Read our naked truths blog piece on how to manage mismatched libidos.