Ever had the thought: “should I sleep with my ex?” 

Having sex with an ex can be very divisive topic in the group chat. Take our COVID comfort watch, Gilmore Girls. Lorelai and her ex, Chris, father of Rory, get it on multiple times throughout the show to various dramatic ends and conflict.

Physical attraction, sexual and romantic nostalgia, saying goodbye - there are just so many reasons to leap back into the sack - with mixed results all round. When we received a particularly cheeky DM this week, we decided to ask our Instagram community about the (t)horny issue - and over 1000 of you got stuck in to share an opinion. The results?

61% voted that they would have sex with an ex, whilst 39% voted not now, not ever. 

So, why are we set on having sex with a ghost from our sexual past? And can you ever have good sex with an ex? Team HANX investigates, featuring real, anonymous insights from our community...

Safety First

“It’s easier. Don’t have to deal with a stranger and you already know them and what they like.”

Dating can be fun - but it can also be a minefield. Here are just some of the ways Team HANX and friends have taken safety precautions when it comes to the dating scene:

• Hiding our real job titles or place of work on our app profiles to avoid unwanted attention
• Not meeting at a pub too close to our house in case the date goes wrong and they know where we live…
• … but also not meeting at a pub too far away to be able get home safely after dark
• Texting a mate when our date gets there to confirm they’re not a catfish
• Texting mid-date to confirm they’re not spooking us out
• Texting when we’re home to confirm we made it back

There’s a risk in putting ourselves out there for someone new. Not only might we end up as an unwitting pawn in a cheating situ, we might end up ghosted or worst case, not coming home at all. No wonder the allure of an ex sometimes comes down to feeling sure that the situation is within our control.

Old Faithful

Let’s be honest: meeting someone new involves a huge amount of personal investment. We traverse the apps (or our local bar/gym/friends), swipe until a likely character appears, wait for that elusive match, grin through shit chat and a substandard date - with a 50/50 chance of satisfying sex at the end of it. That, people, is a hell of a lot of time, let alone money and attention span, devoted to one orgasm. Convenience is everything. If we won’t wait longer than 8 mins for a Zapp! order, how can we be expected to put days into wooing a particular hottie when we have the cosmic horn? In this vein, our HANX Gang said they went for ex-sex because:

“We’re best friends even now, seemed convenient during a pandemic.”

“We lived together for a year after breaking up.”

“Drunk at a party and all my mates had gone home and he was there.”

“He was too easy hehe”

It's Hot. End Of.

“Not felt a connection like it since and the sexy time was always incredible.”

Sex with an ex is a common fantasy. We might imagine righting the wrongs, such as rectifying orgasms not given or renewed enthusiasm for sex acts that had become chores within the confines of a relationship. It can be an outlet for unspoken feelings, or as one respondent said: “It helps me get over them.”

It can be a safe space to try something new without being ridiculed, or to indulge in our favourite sexual fantasy without having to test the waters and risk being shut down. If the sex was pretty great, and you’re both up for it, it tracks that we might think: why throw the baby out with the bathwater?

Feeling Curious

Sometimes relationships just don’t work - but that doesn’t mean the sex was to blame. If you’ve ever had an idle daydream about an ex’s prowess, you’re not alone. For some of us, wondering if they still have deploy a signature move (we’ll never forget name redacted’s hip rolling) or if they’ve added anything new to the repertoire is a sporadic source of curiosity and temptation. Be warned: as one respondent said: “Thought he’d get better like fine wine. I was wrong.”

How to Have Good Sex With An Ex

• Communication is everything. Go into ex-sex with open intentions. Nothing worse than one of you looking for a quick rumble in the hay and the other planning a triumphant ‘finally back together!’ Instagram post. If it’s a one time only deal, punch your ticket and get stuck in. Likewise, if you’re looking for more more of an ongoing arrangement, lay it out before you lay down.
  
  
• Weigh up the real reason you want to get back on it. Are you looking for revenge? Still have romantic feelings for them that you hope will be rekindled in kind when they see how hot/cool/moved on/sexually napalm-ic you are? Or do you genuinely want to scratch a sexy, sexy itch (fine, we mean an orgasm)? Will this encounter leave you with emotional closure, physical satisfaction or despair (or a bit of all of them)? Be prepared and be open - a little self-reflection goes a long way.
  
  
• Get vocal. Like the reunion of a favourite 1970s prog band, this is all about the hits. Hated the way they licked your neck? Tell ‘em it’s a no-go, but get that tongue on your ____. Loved the way they moaned when they were close? Beg for more. All killer, no filler, baby.
  
  
• Keep safe. Whilst you’ve been sitting in an armchair, watching the seasons pass by to a Lykke Li banger, they might have not have been so solitary (or vice versa!). Get booked in for a STI check/order a free testing kit online and ask them to do the same before getting it on. They might be a familiar face/insert-body-part-here, but that doesn’t mean that nothing has changed since you last had sex together. Remember, it’s good practice to get checked before having sex with a new partner(s), even if you’re not showing any symptoms. Use a barrier method of protection, such as our ultra-thin, silky smooth Condoms.

Have you had sex with an ex? If so, how did it go? Join in the conversation over on our free, anonymous forum, HANX Life.