What To Do If You've Never Had An Orgasm

If you've never experienced the toe-curling, sheet-gripping, neighbour-waking bliss of an orgasm, don't fret - you're not alone. Studies have shown that roughly 10% of women have never orgasmed in their lifetime. Caveat: orgasms aren’t the be-and-end-all of sex. Yes, they’re pretty fabulous but not reaching one doesn’t mean the sex or solo fun you’re having isn’t hot or enjoyable. Think of orgasms as the cherry on top of an already delicious sundae - nice to have, but the ice cream's still pretty good without it. Whether you're a late bloomer or just haven't found your magic button yet, we’re here to help you embark on a thrilling journey of achieving bedroom fireworks. 
 

Things that can stop you cumming

If you’ve been putting your back into it, but haven’t managed to reach orgasm, there are various factors that can make it harder to get off, including:

• Medication including SSRIs
• Hormonal imbalances, especially in menopause
• Medical conditions including diabetes
• Lifestyle e.g. smoking, no exercise
• Low mood and libido

Equally, you might not have found the right combination of touch, mental/visual stimulation or mood that turns you on yet. Orgasms are complex and unique to each one of us, so it's important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to experience pleasure.

Firstly, it's important to understand that there are different types of orgasms that you can experience. The most common are vaginal orgasms and clitoral orgasms. Vaginal orgasms are achieved through stimulation of the internal erogenous zones within the vagina (usually from penetration by a hand, toy or penis), while clitoral orgasms are achieved through direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris.

How to reach orgasm

Masturbation
If you have never experienced an orgasm, the best place to start is by experimenting with different forms of stimulation to see what feels best for you. Try exploring your body on your own, through masturbation, to understand what feels good and what doesn't. Don't be afraid to try new things, at a pace that you feel comfortable. This might include:

Clitoral masturbation
Start by lying on your bed (this can be on your back, side or stomach) and spreading your thighs wide enough to stimulate your clitoris with a hand or toy. This could be slow, languorous strokes or deftly rubbing - try out various modes of touch to see what works (you can mix it up throughout!). If a condition such as vaginismus or endometriosis makes penetration painful, this could be the route for you. Remember to add a little lube to your hand, toy or clitoris to remove any friction and keep the pleasurable vibes flowing… 

Penetrative masturbation
This involves a hand or toy entering your vagina. It doesn’t have to be straight to the action - the hole isn’t always the goal. Try tracing the outline of your vulva, teasing your clitoris and working your way up to penetration. 

Focus on Erogenous Zones

In addition to vaginal and clitoral orgasms, some people with vaginas also experience nipplegasms, which are orgasms achieved through stimulation of the nipples. If you find that nipple stimulation feels good, keep teasing and see where it takes you! You might find nipple-focused toys (suction, vibe or clamps), or sensitivity enhancing balms, help you along the path to the magic O. Our top tip? Attempt a blended orgasm, which incorporates several types of stimulation for a magical effect e.g. combining nipple play with vaginal/clitoral play to really amp up the fun.

Switch up Positions

Sexual positions like cowgirl can provide deeper penetration and increased stimulation, making it easier to reach orgasm. Have your partner lay flat on the bed, climb on top and straddle them with your knees bent and thighs either side of theirs. In this position, you can control the depth and speed of how they penetrate you, with the added benefit of friction against your clit. Experimenting with different angles and techniques to find what works best for you and your partner can also help enhance pleasure and lead to more intense orgasms.

Oral Sex

If hands, toys or penises aren’t doing it for you, it could be time for cunnilingus. Stimulating the ultra-sensitive clitoris with flicking, stroking with tongue, or gentle sucking can help you achieve new heights. Top tip: when the going is good and you feel delightful pressure building, tell your partner to keep doing what they’re doing. Sometimes “I’m close!” is taken as a signal to speed up when actually, consistent rhythmic pressure is the key to reaching orgasm.

Toys and Tools

Experimenting with sex toys can be a game-changer for many people who struggle to reach orgasm. Clitoral stimulators, in particular, can provide consistent and intense stimulation that may be difficult to achieve with hands alone. HANX’s first ever suction toy Cindy is a great beginner’s option, as you can start with simple external stimulation and gradually explore and add different types of toy as you become more comfortable.

Relaxation and Mindfulness

Stress and anxiety can be major roadblocks to orgasm. Practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing or meditation before and during sexual activity. Mindfulness can help you stay present in the moment and focus on the sensations you're experiencing, rather than worrying about reaching orgasm.

Communication is Key

If you’re working towards orgasm in a relationship, open and honest communication with your partner is crucial. Discuss your desires, boundaries, and what feels good - this can help your beau to focus on these things and make sure your pleasure is centralised, orgasm or not. Remember, your partner isn't a mind reader, so guidance and feedback are essential. You could even invite your partner for an erotic film night, where you watch pornography together that turns you on - or listen to the same audio erotica to help them understand what gets you going.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help

If you've tried various methods and still struggle to reach orgasm, consider having a chat with a sex therapist or sexologist. You deserve pleasure, and difficulties achieving orgasm can really affecting you and your sex life. These professionals can provide personalised advice and strategies tailored to your specific situation, and if you’re struggling with mental blocks, they can work with you to help overcome them. 

Be Patient and Kind to Yourself

Remember, there's no rush or deadline to having your first orgasm. Everyone's sexual journey is unique, and it's important to be patient and kind to yourself. Experiencing your first orgasm can be a journey of self-discovery and exploration. While it may take time and patience, remember that the process itself can be enjoyable and enlightening. Keep an open mind, stay curious, and most importantly, have fun! Whether you're exploring solo or with a partner, the key is to relax, enjoy the sensations, and let go of expectations. Your body is capable of incredible pleasure - it's just a matter of finding what works for you.

Want more?

• Double the fun. Unlock the secret to a blended orgasm with our beginner’s guide.
• Looking for deeper clitoral orgasms? Meet Cindy, our most-requested product of all time.